For this love language, it’s essential to put time and thought into an action to brighten your loved one’s life.
Bryna Jean-Marie Published: Jun 09, 2022 3:04 PM EDT Save Article
Our editors handpick the products that we feature. We may earn commission from the links on this page.
Loving someone in a way that is particularly special to them is a gift of a lifetime. For individuals who relate most to the acts of service love language, that means doing something thoughtful to make their lives a little easier.
As Gary Chapman describes in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, this love language is all about showing that you care by putting thought and time into doing something that brightens your loved one’s life. These gestures can range from picking up the dry cleaning to taking out the trash. The key is that your partner directly benefits from the act.
Satira Streeter Corbitt, PhD, founder and executive director of couples, family, and individual counseling practice Ascensions Psychological Services in Washington, D.C., says that the way to fully engage in acts of service is to “pay attention to your partner and figure out what they need.” The question to ask yourself is “How can I ease my partner’s stressful day? Does that mean that even though it’s their day to cook dinner, you gently say, ‘Babe, I got this?’ Or does that mean that you know they’re complaining about their shoulders hurting, so you give them a shoulder rub? Or maybe you know they didn’t sleep well, so you send them upstairs after they get home from work and say, ‘Hey, I got the kids—you just go and get some rest.’”
“Sometimes you can end up taking your partner for granted [when they lend a helping hand that you may already expect],” says Tiana Teague, marriage and family therapist at Cura for Couples, in Dunwoody, Georgia. It can be challenging to differentiate between a shared list of chores and acts of service that are specific to you. Corbitt says a good question to ask yourself for clarity is: Who is this benefiting? “And not just because you’re taking it off their plate completely, but benefiting like, This is done for you,” she says. “It is being extremely mindful of, This is something I’m doing for my partner, and my partner is going to be happy that I’ve added to their life. That’s going to make them feel better.”
“You’re giving up your time to actually do an act of kindness for somebody else,” says Teague. “I think that’s the most profound part about it. You could have been doing something else with your time, but you did something for your partner to make their life easier.”
We recommend taking the official love language quiz to find out, but you can also simply ask your partner to communicate their needs. As Corbitt advises, it’s essential to take time getting to really know what your partner likes. “A lot of the issues stem from us not knowing each other,” she says. “Not really taking the time to know what makes our partner tick. What are our partner’s joys? What are our partner’s triggers? We have a preconceived notion of who our partner is and what they need because we haven’t really listened and honed into their needs.” If you approach this conversation with your partner, make sure you actively listen to their response–and if they are craving acts of service, you know how to make it happen.
It’s not just about doing chores. People with this love language appreciate a range of services and actions. If this is your partner’s love language, here are a few tried-and-true acts of service we recommend:
Is this your love language? If so, what acts of service make you feel loved? Let us know in the comments!
Bryna Jean-Marie is a television producer and relationship writer based in Brooklyn, NY. In 2021, she produced Tuskegee Airmen: Legacy of Courage (History channel) and Becoming: Michelle Obama in Conversation (BET). She’s left her journalistic mark at blue-chip brands, Jet, Vogue, Architectural Digest, In Style, O, (The Oprah magazine), Glamour, and Uptown magazine, and worked as White House Correspondent for Ebony magazine. After graduating from Howard University’s Journalism & Public Relations program, Bryna went on to earn her master’s degree at the same prestigious university’s graduate school. She specialized in Human Communication Studies: Rhetoric & Intercultural Communications.
